Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
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she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
I hope they boil the right one.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.