Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
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I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
crazy
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.