My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
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The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”