My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
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She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Perfect
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day