*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
You Might Also Like
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.