Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
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My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
That 👊
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards