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if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch