tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
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Make new friends? bro out of what?
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again