Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
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Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.