Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
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I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.