Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
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I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
When I laugh on my period
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.