my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
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To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade