the prophecy has been fulfilled
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We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.