@killklassy

the prophecy has been fulfilled

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@HatfieldAnne

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

@ElKnuckelhombre

Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.

@gintastic_

Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?

@TheAndrewNadeau

WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.

@HelmdawgE

My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.

@joci2203

All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.

@murrman5

we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds

@TheTimmyToes

*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly

@Marlebean

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

@JohnHilsen

Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.