FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
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I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget