Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
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Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.