When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
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Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
buys donuts instead
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
A French press is when you hug naked
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Found the job I’m suited for
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.