Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above![]()
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Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
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My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
A little too much information.
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Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
My flabber has been gasted.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
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No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.