Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
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At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98