Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
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I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
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