[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
You Might Also Like
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.