Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
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I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.