Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
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Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
happy friday
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
❤️🦆
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*