Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

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ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.



…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time


Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.


*walks in*


*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that’s why I failed geometry


those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal


Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…


8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur


There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.


me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that