@ThisOneSayz

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

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@truegritrumble

ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.

@T_Bonezzz_

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

@MariyaAlexander

Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.

@awkwardphilippe

*walks in*

Nope!

*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that’s why I failed geometry

@lincnotfound

those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal

@chairmanMAO_92

Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…

@UNDEADTRESOR

8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur

@Buffalojilll

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

@uhhmmily

me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that