“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
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“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Have kids, they said
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.