[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
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Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder