“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
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[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks