I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
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[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
why no one uses midhusbands
This guy’s not having it 😆
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”