Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
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America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping