It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
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People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala