My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
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I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
My plans: 2020:
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I’m pretty like a car crash.
estão todos miauvindo?