Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
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boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
wish me luck lads
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host