I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
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“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
My brain is a bad influence on me
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.