My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
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me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told