me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
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I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.