You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
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GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Who does Amazon think I am?
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
My work here is done
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.