You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
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[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Plant care tips
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*