[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
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Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…