If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
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To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
the simulation is moving too fast
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.