Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
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*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Nigella has gone too far this time.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do