My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
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Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
This is Sparta
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”