[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
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A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
🚲+physics = winner
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
So, can we agree on 4 or
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.