{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
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This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.