woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
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Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.