Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
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i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel