Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
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The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.