my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
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Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.