@gommunisd 
@mrjohndarby [phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
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@gommunisd 
@VaguelyFunnyDan “I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
@TheAlexNevil *watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
@Staggfilms Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
@ceejoyner Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
@HatfieldAnne Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
@DomesticGoddss Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
@bobvulfov KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
@WhatevaConc When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
@1followernodad Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough