Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]

*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*

I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good

“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’

~me as a 29-yr old.

What kind of a cult is this?

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.

Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”

Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)

Hamburger Hinderer.

“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market

This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.

“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”

Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.

[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that

Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that

[later]

Me: you have nice eyeball hair

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.

Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!

Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure

Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.

mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?

me: i was driving

mom: where are you now?

me: walking the dog

mom: you need better excuses

me: it’s the truth

mom: then put the dog on

me: he’s uh driving

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

therapist: describe this picture

me: that’s my father yelling at me

therapist: and this one

me: you having sex with my wife

therapist: and this one

me: aren’t these normally ink blots

why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here