Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.

[first day in prison]

Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.

Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral

god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want

If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

Me My dog

Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.

A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.

Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

I have one of those signs in my house that says:

“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”

[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.

My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.