[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
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me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —