Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
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DOOO EEEET
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition