girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
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When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}