It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
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[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping