8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
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* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
this post was so formative to me
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here