I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
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I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people